Day 24...Oh my goodness

Look to your left. Do you see what that is? I bet you it's not what you think!

What that is, is a big fat (yup, I used the fat word again) RAW cheesecake. Yes, it is, it's raw. So raw that it's cheesecake without a drop of cheese, and I made it. Thank God for small mercies - like the person who had the savvy and fortitude to invent raw cheesecake. And, not only is it raw, but it's a hubby approved raw cheesecake.

I told you yesterday that I was off to celebrate. And because red wine is off the menu, and champagne is definitely off the menu, and the only olives I eat now are the ones in my salad instead of the ones in my martini, I decided to bake. Well, raw bake, which in reality is called blending and freezing.

I came across this recipe from the very clever person called Raw Food Nut on RecipeZaar http://www.recipezaar.com/recipe/Lemony-Cheesecake-With-Berry-Sauce-Raw-Vegan-316719

Now because I'm new to this whole raw thing, I don't know anything about RecipeZaar. I just look around and see what's out there and what appeals to me and I found their site. I had all of the ingredients for this in my pantry so I thought heck, I'll give it a shot. Let me tell you, RecipeZaar and Raw Food Nut in particular are my new favourite friends.

This turned out so well and tasted incredible. Most importantly though, hubby said that if he hadn't known it was raw, he wouldn't have guessed. Wow!

The website is great too, because you can adapt recipes. For example, this cake serves 16 but you can use the doo-da (ahem... that's a technical term) next to where it shows you the serving size and you can adjust it to how many servings you need. Once adjusted, it will automatically adapt the recipe for you. Cool.

I followed the recipe exactly as is, except for three changes.

1) I soaked my cashews for about 10 hours, because I've read that the longer they soak, the creamier they get (I have no idea, I'm a cashew-soaking virgin).

2) I added the zest of one whole lemon to the filling (because I love lemons more than I love life).

3) I only put in just under 1/2 cup raw honey, instead of 3/4 of a cup which I had melted in a bain-marie (that's a fancy word for putting the bowl of honey in a bigger bowl filled with hot water) because I don't like things too sweet.

It turned out to be the creamiest, yummiest, non cheese cheesecake ever.

Now don't get into a tizzy. I know that the point of going raw is not to eat cheesecake every day. However, my belief is that when you are transitioning and are still trying to let go of your old food habits and tastes, it's not a totally bad thing to make things like desserts or treats.

I firmly believe, and like I've said before I'm no expert, that as one gets used to all the raw food and that as our bodies change, the desire for things like cheesecake will diminish. I also believe that if you are craving something, rather find the raw alternative and indulge in it instead of denying yourself and then caving and running out to have a big Mac, or a chocolate bar.

Also, let's say you were trying to get your hubby to somewhat convert to raw with you (this is just a hypothetical of course) and let's say that he has a really sweet tooth, and let's just say that the raw food diet isn't quite answering all his taste requirements, then let's just say that wouldn't it be clever to show him all the yummy sweet things you can create that are raw? I think I might think that, if of course I was ever in that situation.

If however, you prefer chocolate cheesecake, check out this recipe from Kristen's Raw http://kristensraw.blogspot.com/2007/12/organic-double-chocolate-cherry.html I was going to make this then decided I wanted lemon more than chocolate, but doesn't it look amazing.

I'm in awe, and I'm learning new things every day.

(Photo - mine)

DAY 25... The sun shone brighter

Today. Which is how I like it. After my grey sky day yesterday I woke up ready to tackle the universe. Okay, so maybe 'tackle' is a strong word, let's face it if my sparring partner is the universe, we know who has the leverage to win, and I'm not that stupid. If I'm going to take someone on, I have to at least have half a chance of winning.

Nevertheless, I looked the universe in the eyes and said 'you will not beat me, I will win this' or something to that effect. I might have hung my head a little and mumbled as I said that, just in case the universe decided on a quick retribution.

Then I went out for my morning walk. I lengthened my gait, increased the tempo of my stride, held my head just a little higher, thrust my jaw forward, swung my arms a little more determinedly and definitely, definitely mumbled to the universe under my breath.

Yesterday might have been a hurdle, but today I was going to show that hurdle just how high I could jump. I sat down and re-read all the goals I had written down before I started this little journey. Goals are important when you venture into the land of Raw, they remind you what you are aiming for. They help you navigate the over abundant obstacles of cabbage and carrot and kale. They remind you why you started this crazy little journey in the first place. They set you straight.

I went to yoga and did the 90 minute class instead of the 60 minute class. Yes, I was going to get as much stinky sweat out of me as I could before thrusting my jaw in the general direction of the universe again and mumbling 'look here buddy, I will win'.

And now I'm going to celebrate.

Why? Because today I looked frustration and weakness and anger and lethargy in the face and I out-stared all of them.

Why? Because I can, simple as that.

Why you ask? Because in the words of Maya Angelou - I am woman, Phenomenal Woman. http://www.feminist.com/resources/artspeech/insp/maya.htm

(Photo by Robby M - Australia)

DAY 26... Grey skies

No witty repartee today I'm afraid. I promised that I would write every day of my challenge, I did not promise it would all be sunshine and blue skies. Or, that I would always be charming and delightful.

My mood plummeted along with the barometer this morning. Nothing in particular, just a grey sky day. I know we all have them.

Part of it is just the regular fluctuations of life, and part of it is wanting instant gratification. I have been very diligent with this new lifestyle and now I want immediate results. 'I've been good for two weeks' I shout at the universe, 'why don't I look instantly amazing and feel incredible? Do you know how tough this is?'.

The universe chuckles at me and goes on about its more important business. 'All in good time' I hear the whisper in my head, 'this didn't happen overnight and it won't be healed overnight'.

Okay, universe, have it your way.

For now I'll look out the window at the grey sky and instead of words, will give you a picture of a beautiful sky after the rain. Because, at the end of the day, I know the sun always shines after the rain!

DAY 27...Observations

I have come to love Sundays. Sundays represent another hurdle overcome, another goal reached, another road walked, another step in the right direction - small victories. Yes, I love Sundays because they mean I have survived another whole week on my raw food journey.

So I have decided that Sundays will be my day of observation. A time to take stock. A time to tell you what I have noticed about myself during the week. I have no doubt some of it won't be pretty, but hold your nose, tighten your seat belt and come along for the ride anyway.

I'm still full. Not busting, I overate burgers full, just comfortably, I'm not searching for food, full. Which means I actually have to use a clock to tell me when I should eat again rather than wondering about the protein content of my toenails immediately after a meal.

I am starting to feel more energetic. Okay,so I'm not bouncing off the walls just yet, but I can get more done in a day than I could 1 month ago.

My skin just keeps getting better - softer, smoother, fewer blemishes. Not that I ever had any imperfections, but if I did, they would be disappearing.

I am sleeping like the dead. Seriously, I have suffered from insomnia for years, so a good nights sleep for me is a little like winning the lottery (well, maybe that's a stretch, if I won the lottery I'd pay someone to sleep for me...)

I have been in a pretty stable, good mood for the whole week which in itself is a miracle. Except for last night and the night before when dinner didn't turn out quite like expected and I had a minor melt down, but besides that...

Oh, and I've lost 7.5 pounds in two week. Yup, you heard correctly. I did not make a typo - 7.5.... In the past two years I couldn't lose 1 pound a year, so this is big news.

Here's an exciting one:

I walk every morning. For weeks I have been forcing myself along a beautiful path through the trees and across a meadow and through some more trees, knowing that it's good for me and it's what I need to do, but silently begrudging almost every step.

This week I got to the end of the walk and thought 'That's it? So quick? But I'm having so much fun!!!!'

I know, I used the F word. For FUN in conjunction with walking. So do you know what I did? I did the whole route again and I loved every minute of it. Now that is progress.

I'm finding each day easier. Okay, so I still haven't sat in a coffee shop, or gone out much, or walked past a bakery, but it's early days and I don't see the need to stare into the eyes of the devil if I don't absolutely have to.

And now for some yukky stuff, that I think you should still know. If you are a sensitive flower you might want to skip this part.

You know how they say men sweat, women glow? Well, I've never even been much of a glower. I'm just not a sweaty person, or a person with much body odour at all, I'm more of a dry person. (I realise this is bordering on too much information, but I warned you).

HOWEVER, this week in hot yoga, I have sweated enough to change the water table in several drought ridden countries. Seriously, I could water our whole garden.

And, here's the thing, I stink when I sweat. I mean really stinky, yukky, smelly sweat. So this tells me three things:

1) Sometimes there is a real benefit to having a blocked nose all the time.

2) It sucks being the person next to me in a yoga class.

3) There is some really nasty stuff inside my body desperately making a run for it while I'm giving them the chance.

That is good, good, good. So I will live with the stinky sweat and let you know when it all changes.

And the last uncomfortable observation. My stomach has become super sensitive. Now, I do not have a sensitive stomach. I am the person who visited India and drank water straight out the taps on the street (okay, I was not being magnanimous, I was hoping to get dysentery so I could lose some weight! I know, I have issues) and didn't once get sick. While travellers were dropping like flies around me, I just ploughed through with my iron stomach.

Anyway, I digress. Since I have been raw, I am simply unable to do any yoga postures on my stomach. The whole spine strengthening series, I either want to throw up or pass out and let me tell you, nausea and dizziness are not great companions. Especially when the person on the mat next to you already hates you for your smelly sweat. Quite frankly, throwing up near them would not cement the friendship.

But my stomach is incredibly uncomfortable if I lie on it. I have no idea what it's all about, but I'll let you know when I figure it out.

Well, that's it folks. Observations after week two, and I'm still alive. You see, if I can do it, you can do it too.

(photo - mine)

DAY 28...About yoga

Yoga continues be one of those very confusing things to people, so I thought I would take the opportunity to throw my two cents into the mix.

There really are many different types of yoga and most people don't understand that. I regularly ask friends what kind of yoga they do and they say 'well, you know, yoga - yoga'. But, all yoga is not created equal and that is important to realise. There are many different reasons to do yoga and many different styles to choose from.

Before you read any further, you should know I have a very firm belief about yoga, and it is that yoga chooses you. By that I mean I believe that the yoga you fall in love with is the yoga that you are supposed to do. It is the yoga that is tailored for your needs physically, spiritually and mentally. I say this because I've often heard people say they have tried yoga and hated it. I think the style they chose just wasn't the right one for them. But hey, that's just my take, I'm no expert.

I have however tried many different styles of yoga and I've hated many of them. Often I would arrive at class believing I was doing something great for my mind and my body and I would leave wondering why I had wasted my time.

Those styles just weren't the right ones for me, that doesn't mean they won't be right for you.

But I told you, I forge ahead, that's what I do, I forge, so I continued with my quest. This yoga thing was not going to beat me.

One day however I walked into a Kundalini yoga class. I have no idea why I went, but shortly after I sat down everyone started chanting and singing. I wondered how quickly I could pick up my mat and sprint to the door before anyone opened their eyes and noticed me missing. I could see another yoga experience quickly going down the drain in front of my very eyes.

But, I was too embarrassed to leave, so I ended up pretending I was chanting along while feeling incredibly uncomfortable. Half way through the class, I realised something had happened. I was calm, I was serene, I was happy, I was shining. I still had no idea what I was doing, but I was loving doing it. I walked out of the studio in a daze, my head was in the clouds, I didn't care about anything except doing more of this, I could have stayed there the whole day.

To this day Kundalini yoga remains my passion. It is the yoga of my heart and my soul, the yoga that brings light to my eyes and puts a spring in my step. It is the yoga I love. And while Kundalini is a physical yoga, it doesn't feel that way to me, instead it just feels like it fills me up with light and with love.

So, I also do Hot yoga (you can substitute Bikram, Hot, Moksha) here. The styles I just mentioned do not all conform to Bikram's 26 postures, but they are similar in format and are all practiced in a hot room. You'll have to see which works best for you.

Hot yoga is not the yoga of my soul, but it is the yoga of my body. Where Kundalini feels like a bubble bath with candles and a glass of champagne, Hot feels like running a marathon. Where Kundalini feeds my spirit and heals my psyche, Hot yoga pushes my physical limits. Most importantly, Hot yoga makes me sweat. It makes buckets of water leech from my skin and run in streams onto my mat.

Let me tell you, when you are detoxing and trying to change your eating patterns, sweating your little heart out helps a lot. While you are ridding your body of all the rubbish it has accumulated, it feels great to sweat it out.

Now, don't get confused, Kundalini helps to draw the toxins out of your system too. However for me having that intense sweat helps me to flush the bad stuff out and feel good doing it. So I highly recommend any form of Hot yoga along with Kundalini while you are doing your detox. You really will notice a difference.

So, that's what I do. I believe I am drawn to those two styles of yoga because they are the right ones for me. They talk to me physically, mentally and spiritually. Now my one friend, he's an Ashtanga guy, you can't drag him away from Ashtanga. My other friend, she's an Iyengar girl, she will fall on her sword for Iyengar.

You have to just go on and give it a shot. Try different styles, try different teachers and somewhere out there, you'll find the one that's right for you, the one that gently whispers your name. Don't give up because you didn't like one class. The benefits you will reap from yoga will be priceless down the line.

DAY 29...Green Juice

Just in case you didn't know, green juice is the elixir of life. Seriously, I am not kidding. In fact after only being raw for almost two weeks (hey, I'm one day away, I think I can say 'ALMOST two weeks), if you cut me now my veins would run green not red.

Okay, well maybe that's not exactly 100% true, but they would run greener than they did almost two weeks ago.

You see green juice has many, many, many beneficial properties and I'm not going to go into all of them here for fear of boring you to tears. But, I will tell you this:

Green juice helps your body move from an acid state to a more alkaline state.

You would never eat the sheer quantity of greens in a day that you can put in a juice.

Greens have chlorophyll, we need chlorophyll. It oxygenates our bodies allowing us to release more carbon dioxide, toxins and stress (and lets face it, who can't do with some help releasing stress?).

Green juice gives us the trace minerals our bodies need.

If your system is a little out of whack, green juice helps you to absorb the nutrients from the greens without having to struggle so much.

So I think those are pretty good reasons to drink green juice. Oh, and everywhere I've used juice, you can substitute 'smoothie', there is much debate over whether juicing or smoothying (is that a word?) is better, but quite frankly, I don't care. If you come from a SAD (Standard American Diet) way of eating any greening will be better than none.

Well, that's the science. But let me tell you my reasons for drinking green juice:

I've just got a new juicer - it cost a fortune - that's super incentive to drink juice.

There is no way I can eat kale every day, or a bunch of parsley, or a whole head of celery. While I like all of those in moderation, the quantities I need to help my health improve a little quicker are easier to acquire through juice. Let's face it, I decided to go raw, I have not yet decided to become a rabbit.

I refuse to gnaw on wheat grass for an entire afternoon!

I'm not so keen on apples - I know, strange - but I have a tumultuous relationship with apples, we have our ups and our downs and go for long periods of time not speaking to each other or returning each others phone calls. Nevertheless I know that an apple a day keeps the doctor away and most green juices require at least one apple to make them palatable. This way we can interact without speaking.

When I am hungry, but shouldn't really have another meal and can't bare the thought of yet another drink of water, I have a green juice. This way I kill several birds with one stone.

I like the green taste - yes, there is taste of green, I know it's weird - and it makes me feel super healthy. I always run to the mirror after a green juice, because it makes me feel like I instantly lost 10 pounds.

Now for some tips:

All of these are great ingredients for green juice - celery, parsley, kale, cucumber, spinach, romaine lettuce and butternut squash. (Okay, I only threw the squash in there to see if you were paying attention).

However, they are not so great on their own, so you should add some, one or all of the next ingredients: apple, banana, ginger (just a hint, don't be like me and throw the whole root in, more here is NOT better), carrot, dash of lemon juice, water.

But remember it's not really a green juice and it's not really that beneficial if you are using 10 apples to every 4 leaves of kale! Then you are cheating and we will know. You have to make the bulk of it green veggie and then just add a dash of the others to sweeten and lighten it and make it yummy.

Okay, so some of you will never find green juice yummy, but go ahead, give it a try, it doesn't bite back and it can do you the world of good.

DAY 30... Yes you can...

Eat too much raw food! I'm not kidding. Last night I ate too much. Yes, I did. I ate too much buckwheat...

Oh I know, pick yourself up off the floor and stop laughing. Funny isn't it. No seriously, dry your eyes, stop the convulsions, get rid of the post-hysterical-laughter hiccups and look at me seriously. No mirth allowed here.

Boy how things can change in 10 days. I never thought I would hear myself say 'Gee, enough already, curb the buckwheat!'. But I have an excuse, really I do. Let me explain.

Although I celebrated getting through one week of raw, the book Minisizeme, celebrates after 10 days. It makes sense really. It's a 40 day plan and 10 days in is a quarter of the way through. So because I am a person of excess, I like to celebrate both occasions - after every 7 day week and then because I'm following the book after every 10 days too. Hell, why not? I may as well get all the excitement I can it's not like I'm going to crack open a bottle of champagne or anything.

So on day 10, The Book (I'll now refer to my Minisizeme guide as The Book) gives you a recipe for raw pizza to celebrate. Raw pizza huh? Yes, I thought the same - yuk. And let me tell you, it's one of the more complicated recipes because of it's timing. Soak the buckwheat for 30 hours, prepare the 'cheeze' (that's a raw word for cheese) and let set for 2 hours. Man, it was like orchestrating a dinner for 20 people.

Anyway, as I am prone to do, I followed the recipe diligently and completed all the steps in the order I was supposed to. And, the more I sliced, blended, chopped, mixed, grated and mashed, the more I thought "This is going to taste disgusting".

As my prep time got longer, my hopes and dreams got shorter. Here was my big celebration dinner, the first pizza I'd eaten in 10 days and it was going to suck.

Let's face it, cheeze made from pine nuts simply isn't comparable to cheese made from cows milk. And pizza sauce made with red cabbage is not the same as the red goo oozing out from that piping hot Dominoes pizza that gets delivered to your door now is it?

Big fat NO is my answer. Yes, I used the word fat. Fat, fat, fat - big fat no!

But I forged ahead, because that's what I do, I forge. And, because the ingredients were really expensive and I simply hate waste. And, because I had spent what seemed like ages making this, I wasn't going to give up. And, because I'd promised my husband, my lovely husband who held my hair back when I puked on day 2, pizza for dinner. And, after 10 days of salad for dinner, if I didn't deserve pizza, he certainly did.

So, I made my buckwheat crust, and I topped it with red cabbage pizza sauce and covered that in pine nut cheeze and held my breath as I cut it using a pizza wheel (talk about hanging onto another life and living in hope) and I mentally wondered how quickly I could whip up another raw dinner at 7:30pm because I knew after the first bite we would throw it out and still be hungry.

My husband giggled nervously and said 'why don't you go ahead and have the first piece, you worked really hard to make it, and after all, it's your celebration.' And I knew then, he was preparing for a fall. He wasn't going to touch that stuff until he had seen the expression on my face.

I took a deep breath and bit. Then chewed and chewed and chewed. In that moment, I realised that my life still lacked trust.

When I went to my first yoga class all those years ago, I had to let go and put myself in the hands of the teacher - that teacher happened to be Siri Datta. And she held me, and helped me and nurtured me through those first trembling steps.

When I went to my first yoga retreat alone and was exposed to different ways of looking at life, and different ways to heal and different ways to eat, I had to trust. And Siri Datta, again stepped up and guided me through the uncertainty.

And when I was ready to try my first bite of raw pizza, I should have trusted that the very same Siri Datta would not have suggested something disgusting for me to eat on this new journey into health. And she didn't.

My eyes flew open, a smile spread across my lips, ' this tastes just like pizza I almost screamed', losing some of my topping down the front of my shirt at the same time. 'It is soooooo good'. And I gobbled and gobbled and gobbled until I had eaten just a little too much of this raw pizza, in exactly the same way as for years, I'd eaten just a little too much of cooked pizza whenever I'd eaten it.

Now let me add a little disclaimer here. Hubby did not feel the same way. He kept mumbling something about 'where's the cheese?', which he had every right to mumble about. But he hasn't been totally raw for 10 days. And he isn't the one who has committed to not eating a smidgen of cheese for 40 days. And he isn't the one who thought that the word 'pizza' was out of his lexicon for good. So, I think I can safely say he had a little less invested in this dinner than I did.

For me however, this was a momentous occassion. Raw pizza, who would have thought? And so that is how I came to overeat a buckwheat-filled pizza crust.

So do you know what I'm going to do today? I think I'll have some left overs for lunch and I'll deal with the over-excess of buckwheat a little later.

DAY 31.... Why?

Okay, so today may not have been my best ever. It's not that it was a bad day, it was just a day full of why's. And not the good sort either.

Not... Why is the sun always shining?

Or...

Why do I always feel so happy?

Or...

Why did everything get done ahead of schedule?

No, those weren't the kind of why's I was having today. I was coming from a slightly more negative perspective. So, my questions were...

Why did my dog decide to poop in someone's driveway right when the owner was getting out of the car and I'd left the doggie bags at home?

Or...

Why did I fail to see the mud on my boots until I'd walked the whole length of the house?

Or...

Why are there only 24 hours in a day, and how am I supposed to cram everything into them? (okay, so that was two questions, you see, it gets worse!)

Or...

Why did I decide to only eat raw food for 40 days?

Or...

Why if I'm doing such good things for my body does it hurt so much?

Or...

Why can't I get toned watching TV instead of going to the gym?

Or...

Why has spring decided to turn it's back and why has winter come back?

Yup, it was one of those days. So I'm going to try and answer all those why's and I'll get back to you tomorrow.

DAY 32...I'm still full

Yup, you heard correctly. Woke up this morning with a 3 burger fullness I think. Yesterday I woke up nauseously full, today I woke up very full. Two days in a row - this is amazing. But, enough about that - I just wanted to let you know I wasn't starving, in case you were worried!

But today is not about being full. No, today is about saying Thank You.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to my husband.

Now you must understand, when you take the 40 day raw food challenge, it's a big commitment. No alcohol, no caffeine, no meat, no animal products at all. It's a tough gig. And, when I did the research and decided to go ahead with this I had done a lot of thinking, a lot of convincing, a lot of talking to myself while wondering around with the dog and a ton of reading.

I had also realised that the time was right for me. The food plan was right, the time was right, the place I was in was right, my circumstances were right, the whole universe lined up, moved obstacles out of the way and said to me 'if you want to do this, do it now, we'll help you through it'... well, that's what I heard the universe say anyway.
But the big deal here is that just because it was right for me didn't mean it was right for anyone else. And it definitely wasn't necessarily right for the person that has to wake up with me every day.

When I took this on, it was my doing, I certainly didn't expect it or want it to be anybody else's journey. You could not ask that of someone else, it just wouldn't be fair.

Now I won't tell you much about my hubby, because he's a private kinda guy. But I will tell you this. When I met him, I was vegetarian and he was a dyed-in-the-wool carnivore. Now I don't like to use that word carnivore, it doesn't seem right, so let me rather say that if a meal didn't come with meat, my husband didn't regard it as a meal. He's also a tough guy. He's not the kind of guy who does yoga or who knew any vegetarians before he met me, and he thought I was kind of weird.

So I guessed he would think I was nuts (that's not a raw food joke!) to quit 'normal life' and eat raw food. Quite the opposite. The love of my life has been my number one supporter.

He bought me a juicer as a present just before I started the cleanse, to help me on my way. And he drank my first batch of carrot juice, to which I had added an equal quantity of ginger (yeah, why put in a 'tip of you your thumb' size piece, when you can throw in the whole root?) and he didn't even cry like I did because it was so disgusting and burnt my throat and eyes so badly.

He has eaten the same dinner as me every single day since I started so that I wouldn't have to make two meals. And especially so that I wouldn't be tempted by his food. That means he has eaten dinners with no meat, which means they weren't real meals, which means he hasn't really eaten in a week.

He has given up his morning coffee so I don't have to have that glorious smell wafting into my nasal passages while I'm still half asleep and liable to 'forget' I can't have caffeine.

Ssssh don't tell anyone this, but... he came to my yoga class with me every single day for the first week, even when my body was so sore, I hid the car keys in the hopes we could miss a class.

He has done the bulk of the shopping so I wouldn't have to go to the stores and be tempted. I think he might also use that time to sneek in a coffee, but I don't mind that at all.

He held my hair back while I puked on day 2!

He didn't flinch when I spent $200 at the health food store, and only came back with powders which we couldn't pronounce and had never heard of and pollens and grains and seeds and no 'real food'. Okay, well, he might have twitched ever so slightly, but he hid it well.

He has told me every single day how proud he is of me and he encourages me all the time.

He bought me the most beautiful hydrangeas (one of my favourite flowers) to congratulate me on getting through week 1. See the lovely pink flowers in the pic!

So to my husband, thank you, thank you, thank you... I could not have come this far if you hadn't made it so easy for me.

For that, I am truly grateful.

DAY 33...What a strange day

I woke up feeling full. Stuffed full. Like I'd just eaten six hamburgers full. Now I've never eaten six hamburgers in one sitting, so I'm really no expert, but if I had I imagine this is what I would feel like.

In my whole life eating 'normal' food, I have never woken up feeling full. Maybe this is normal for other people, but not for this puppy.

I knew I had to eat something though, so I had a handful of pomegranate seeds and then went off for my morning walk (feeling rather smug I might add) followed by yoga and some weights and stretches. And whadyaknow... still full.

Now I'm a gal who's used to feeling a little empty and spends much time thinking about how to get full, so forgive me if this preoccupied me a little. By about 11am I felt that I should eat something and unable to get inspired by anything (yikes, this really is a first, I never have a problem being inspired by food) I decided on a hemp seed, banana and carob shake. I thought that this would give me the protein and nutrients I might need.

I love that I was worried about nutrients, like I said before, it's not like I would starve and fade away if I missed one meal.! Anyway, the shake was delish - who knew you could do that with hemp seed. In fact, if I hadn't told you there were hemp seeds in the shake, you would never have known.

I didn't even know you could buy hemp seed two weeks ago. The first time I went into the health store I had to ask for it, because the lady working there started looking at me strangely after I walked round and round for 2 hours clearly having no clue what I was doing. I thought she would laugh her head off at my request. I was convinced, this was the big raw food joke - get the non-raw-foodie on a regular American diet and make them try find hemp seed - ha ha. And don't worry, that's not even as bad as I felt when I had to ask for bee pollen. Try ask for that with a straight face. I was waiting for everyone to roll on the floor laughing.

I tell you, asking for a bag of Doritos is much easier.

But I digress. So I had my shake and I just got fuller and fuller. By 2:30pm I started to worry about nutrients again. You know, I might just have faded away right there and when someone found my body, they'd say 'well, what did she think, you can't get through a day with just a hemp shake'. Well, for fear of dying from starvation, I had the tiny bit of left-overs from dinner - 'rice' made from red cabbage, apricots and other delicacies with a nut sauce - yum yum.

The strangest thing is I almost had to force myself to eat it and trust me, 'force' and 'eat' don't normally go in the same sentence. It's now 6pm and I still have no desire for food. I will have a little green salad to see me through the night, but that's it.

It's wierd, it's uncanny, it's strange, it's wonderful - yes, to feel full all day is wonderful. What a concept. In my 30 something years on this planet, I can't say I've ever experienced that.

Maybe this raw food thing will work after all.

DAY 34...Congratulations

Congratulations to me! I've almost completed the last day of my first week of RAW. And I've succeeded. This is so exciting. Before I started, I wasn't sure if I could get through day 1 let alone complete a week. So I'm very proud.

This is what I've discovered so far.

I take it day by day, hour by hour. I don't try and think about where I will be in a week a month or a year, I just get through the next few hours.

The food has been delicious and surprising. I haven't been bored or desired more flavour or texture, it's all there.

I have been full the whole week! This is not like 100 other diets out there controlling calories where you spend the whole day thinking of food. The portions are generous and there is more than enough to eat. You can even make desserts if you choose and I haven't felt the need to make one this whole week. There was one day that I was super hungry and craving something sweet, so I just made a nut milk with some carob powder (instant chocolate shake) and viola, craving gone. If you have a really sweet tooth, which I don't, you can eat a bit of raw honey, or add it to a drink - it normally does the trick.

I've felt pretty good. My energy has been a little low and although I haven't slept during the day, there are days that I have felt I could sleep. My motivation has been a little down and I am somewhat listless, but not nearly as bad as I was expecting.

Today is the first day I feel more energised, which is a nice feeling.

I've done more than one physical exercise every day (normally yoga and a walk with the dog) and that has greatly helped my focus.

I'm sleeping better than I have in weeks.

My skin feels better than it has in years - soft and smooth. I can only imagine this is going to get better and better.

I'm starting to realise that often when I want food, I'm actually wanting a feeling. I know, this one's hard to get. But if I'm already full and I've just had a big lunch, but I am still wanting a bowl of tomato soup, it's perhaps that I feel I need some comfort, or I'm cold. To combat that, I do something immediately - put on another sweater, go for a walk, take a shower, tidy the kitchen - whatever I do, I seem to forget about the food I wanted!

There is a different feeling to being full after a bowl of salad vs. being full after chicken parmigiana - it's just a different feeling. You feel full, but healthy, not full and tired. Just get used to it, I know I'm trying.

You cannot sit around or you will want to eat. Even if you are eating raw, I don't think you should just eat all day. I'm pretty busy and active as it is, but this week I have often found I need to go and find something else to do that doesn't require sitting (even if that sitting is at your computer) - go get distracted.

I don't know if I've lost weight. I'm doing this more for health than for weight (hello, who'm I kidding, losing weight would be great), but I'm not going to focus on it, so I refuse to weigh myself all the time. If I get healthy I know I'll lose weight, and if I focus on being healthy, I think this will be easier to maintain.

I have stayed clear of malls, superstores and restaurants. I don't see the need to put myself in a situation where I can be tempted and have to use all my will power to hang in. Why do that to yourself. When I have shopped, I've either gone to the health food store, or walked straight into the produce section and then left - why walk around and listen to all those fats, carbs and meats calling your name?

It hasn't bothered me not eating meat. Okay, so I have an unfair advantage here. Although I've eaten meat the past few years (and really come to enjoy it), I've been vegetarian (not vegan though) for a lot of my life. So the meat is not a big deal for me. The interesting menu and varied diet is helping with this too I think.

So that's it. That is the conclusion of week one. If I can do it, you can too.

I better go grate a carrot to celebrate!!

DAY 35...Get a partner

If you want to succeed in getting healthy, get a partner to exercise with. This lovely girl in the picture is mine, and I can promise you, she is the best exercise investment you will ever make.

Now I know it's not feasible for everyone to have a dog, especially a big one, but let me try do some convincing... This week (as with almost every other week), I sometimes need some extra motivation to get out and do something other than yoga. Well, this little redhead helps me a lot.

Firstly, she just needs to go out. She looks deep into my eyes and says 'I'm a dog, I need to run'. What can I say, I have to take her.

Secondly, she just needs to go out. She looks deep into my eyes and says 'Do you really want me to pee on the kitchen floor?'. What can I say, I have to take her.

Thirdly, I can talk as much or as little as I want. She never minds. If I'm being too talkative and she's bored, she just runs off. If she likes what she hears, she stays next to me and angles for some cuddles. Either way, we both seem to be satisfied.

Fourth, watching her get so excited about going for a walk makes me exited to go for a walk. She literally jumps up and down when her leash is taken down from it's hook (I wish I jumped up and down at the prospect of a walk!) But seriously, it's nice to see someone so happy, and it makes me happy to make her happy, and when she's happier it makes me happier and then - well, you get what I mean.

Fifth, once your coat is on and your boots are laced and you've fished your hat out of the murky melted ice it landed in yesterday and you've found two gloves (matched or unmatched) and you are actually out the house, it doesn't seem to bad to go a little further, take a little longer, find a new path. It's the getting going that's tough, but then you have those eyes looking at you.

Sixth, we discover new things I wouldn't discover alone. Like chasing ducks across an ice laden pond in the middle of winter. I certainly wouldn't be the one running after them.

Or swimming in said pond the minute the ice starts to melt, even when it's -10C. Yup, that wouldn't be me either.

Or trying to discover exactly where Mr. Fox keeps his den. All these things we get to discover together, because my exercise partner is a little more adventurous than me.

Seventh, did I already mention I'm not a fan of pee on my kitchen floor? That accounts for good weather and bad weather. My excercise partner makes sure I get that walk in come rain, blizzard, or shine. We like to take the good with the bad here.

Eighth, my exercise partner is faster than I am. This is one of the real benefits trust me. If I walk, she trots, if I trot, she runs, if I run (you'll see that very rarely, so don't worry), she gallops. Yup, that's her, always make sure your partner is faster and sleeker than you are. I promise, it'll keep you on your toes.

So there you have it, eight good reasons not to go it alone. Go on, get yourself a partner.

DAY 36... I forgot to mention

That I'm not just winging this cleanse on my own. I'm using a wonderful book written by my very first yoga teacher Siri Datta (also known as Julie Cuddihy) and Dunkan Campbell. It's a fantastic book that includes a build up to the cleanse - what you need to do and how you should prepare physically and mentally - and then takes you through all 40 days step by step including yoga sets for the 40 days and questions you should be asking yourself before, during and after. Most importantly, the book has an array of delicious menus for the duration.

The book is called Minisizeme and is available on the American side of the pond at http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/mini-size-me---ride-the-raw-yoga-revolution/3694108?productTrackingContext=center_search_results

So, if you are one of those people who thinks that going raw means a life sentence of iceberg lettuce and boring salad, you are horribly mistaken. Don't worry I was one of those people and every day I am amazed and astounded by the menu I am following and the wonderful taste sensations I am discovering. I could not have done this on my own.

Just this evening, I had a dressing for my broccoli made with nuts, lemon juice, herbs and spices, and it's easily as good as anything I have bought in a store or paid for in a restaurant, only better, because I know exactly what went into it and I know it is healthy.

By the way, the reason I won't go into detail about the meals I'm eating on this blog and exactly what is involved in creating them is because it wouldn't be fair (or legal) to Siri Datta and Dunkan to share these after all the work they have put into creating this wonderful book. However, there are many raw food recipes on the internet if you look for them that can give you an idea of what to expect.

If I decide to become a raw food gourmet chef after this, I promise I'll share all my recipes!

If you are considering changing your lifestyle, this is the book I would recommend. There are a lot of books out there to help you with a raw food lifestyle and many of them are excellent. The reason I chose this one was two fold.

Firstly because of Siri Datta. I met her in London in 2001 and fell in love with her yoga classes after my first 60 minutes. As I developed my practice and got to know her I realised what a gem I had stumbled upon. She is an inspiring teacher and a wonderful person. She is small compared to my 5' 9", but she lights up any room she walks into immediately, as if she is the biggest person there. Her soul glows through her face and her eyes shine brightly with all that life has to offer. She lives the life she teaches and I trust her guidance. I'm truly grateful that our paths crossed all those years ago. She has unwittingly remained an inspiration to me all these years later although we live on different continents.

The second reason I chose this book is because of the menus, meal plans and food ideas. When you go raw, it's easy to get stuck in the land of green salad with olive oil and lemon dressing. That is simply not sustainable. Not only will you be hungry and bored and frustrated by day 3, you will also miss many of the nutrients you need to stay healthy and maintain this lifestyle. Having a guide on hand for how to eat has already opened up so many doors for me. I just had no idea you could combine foods in this way and come up with such awesome results. And, while I navigate this new life, it's nice having one less thing to worry about each day. I don't have to try and come up with what I'll eat, I just have to make sure I have the ingredients in my home and follow the directions.

So if you are thinking of doing this. Look around, see what's out there. You know yourself well, you know what you need, you know where your weaknesses are and where your strengths lie. Find a plan that will help you to succeed and then just dive in.

Enjoy!

DAY 37... I cheated...

Okay, so it was a little cheat. A tiny transgression. It was so little that if I hadn't written about it, I'm not sure the universe would have noticed. But, I promised honesty, I promised accountability and that's what I'm going to give you. So... I cheated.

Last night, I had to make a raw curry - and I've got to tell you, it was delicious - but I didn't have coconut water. Okay, you can call it an excuse, but you tell me where I'm going to get a coconut in Canada in winter?

And I know you'll say 'but you're having an early spring' and you would be right, but the coconuts don't know that. And the people who buy the coconuts didn't know that was coming, so they didn't prepare in time. And the coconuts are saying 'c'mon, it's hard enough for us to have to get to Canada anyway, can't you give us a few more weeks on the beach in the sun and then we'll be ready for the trip?'. Either way, I couldn't find a coconut or coconut water, or raw water made partially from coconuts or anything like that. Maybe I was supposed to find some fresh coconut flesh and cut it and pound it and extract some water drop by drop.

But, I didn't. No, I walked over to my pantry and after much deliberation (okay, a little deliberation, I was hungry!) I pulled out a can - I know, a CAN, horrors - and I used some of the coconut milk from said can mixed with water to thin it down.

Now, if there's one thing I know it's that nothing raw comes from a can. And considering I'm doing a raw food cleanse, I will assume the coconut milk was not allowed. I will also assume that even though there were only 3 ingredients listed and even though there was only 1 ingredient I couldn't pronounce (which really means there was only 1 ingredient), that it was still a cheat. You know that the litmus test of eating raw food is a) if it's not in it's natural state, it's not raw and b) if you can't pronounce it, it probably isn't raw - unless it's a Rutabaga, which sounds like it's made up, but isn't.

Either way, I own up, I snuck coconut milk into my curry. And I'm very sorry. I'm not as sorry as I would have been if I'd eaten a whole bag of chips, or if I had nabbed a grande latte, or if I'd opened a bottle of red wine and polished off the whole lot. But, I'm still sorry.

So today I did some extra downward facing dogs in yoga and sweated a little more than normal as penance, and now I'm off for a bit of self flagellation...

See you tomorrow

(Photo courtesy of Andrzej Gdula, Poland)

DAY 38...Why do we stand for it?

This morning I had a little aha moment. Yesterday, as you know wasn't a great day, so besides the huge salad I had for dinner, I didn't stick to the food plan and just nibbled on fruit the whole day. This morning, my breakfast was a huge selection of fruit with a little nut cream - yum.

What I realised during these two fruit-filled days is why North Americans don't eat enough fruit. The answer is simple really - it tastes aweful! Sorry to throw that out there like that, but it really does.

Now I am not North American, I have been living in Canada and the USA for the past few years and it just dawned on me, that once I moved to the USA I stopped eating the fruits I have always loved and grown up devouring. Why, because they all taste the same, and that taste is insipid and watery and unidentifiable. Now of course I am generalising here, I have had a great apple during apple season, and I have had the odd good fruit, but nothing close to what they should taste like. I'm sure part of that reason is that we expect to be able to eat any fruit at any time of the year. I understand that.

I understand that expecting my breakfast plums and strawberries to taste ripe and luscious while we are coming out of a deep dark winter is perhaps crazy. But, it's not stopping anyone selling them to us for outrageous prices. I also understand that if I bought everything at Whole Foods, or the farmers market it might be better, but then I might be taking out a second mortgage on the house to sustain that, so we have to weigh the pros and cons of supporting local and quite frankly right now, it's just not always an option for most people!

We've just got to be able to do better than that, don't we? We have to produce natural fruit that is yummy and juicy and tasty. So what if they aren't a certain diameter and who cares if they aren't all the same perfect shape and colour, shouldn't the taste be more important than how good they look on the shelves?

So, this morning, I pulled out this beautiful big pineapple and then got out my meat cutting board that has a drain around the outside to catch juices, because it's impossible to cut fresh pineapple where I come from without it ending up all over the kitchen. I cut and cut and cut and quite frankly, I could have cut it in my car, on my lap and not got one drop of juice on the seats - there was no juice. How sad, although it actually didn't taste too bad. Nothing like the plum, that tasted like... well, like nothing. Or, the strawberries, that tasted like... well, like nothing. So sad. If I hadn't seen the colour and shape of the fruit, or the name above it in the store "PLUMS", I would not have been able to tell you what I was eating.

My question is, how can we get people to eat better and be healthy if the food they are eating is aweful? Why are we putting up with this?

Hmmm, I'll let you know when I have the answer. But, for now, I'm going to make more nut cream so my fruit can taste... well, like nuts.

Day 39...Not a good start

I woke up from a great sleep, had a glass of water and promptly threw up. While I was contemplating the shape of our toilet bowl, I realised that my body felt as if it had been run over by a herd of wild camels who had kindly left the rancid taste of a thousand desert winds in my mouth. (This is a picture of the marauding band of wild camels who ran over me while I slept).

Not exactly the kind of GREAT DAY I was planning.

I don't know if it was the coffee withdrawal - I'm sure that accounted for the pounding headache - but surely one day of vegetables can NOT make you feel this bad. And, it's not like I haven't done yoga before. Okay, so I've missed a few months, but jeez, I hurt from the top of my head to the rounded tip of my Chanel Blackberry painted toes.

I couldn't even bring myself to walk the dog, so I let her walk herself, (okay, don't be silly, my husband walked her) managed to keep down some gorgeous globe grapes and then dragged myself off to another yoga class. I've told you before, if one cheese is good and three is better, then it must follow that if one yoga class kills you, three must bring you back to life!

Anyway, I promised myself and maybe a few other unnamed people that I would do yoga every day of my cleanse. And, that's exactly what I plan to do. Unless I feel like I am going to die. Now, that isn't a cop out. It's just that, call me crazy, if I'm going to projectile vomit, or faint, or make strange gassy sounds because I ate a whole farmers market for breakfast, I'd like to do that in the privacy of my own home, instead of surrounded by hot, sweaty, overenthusiastic yogies.
I prefer my humiliations to be private - I know, like I said, call me crazy.

But, somehow I survived yoga, without any of those humiliations and now I'm just going to try and make it through the rest of the day.

Thank goodness for tomorrow.

DAY 40....The Beginning..

And if you are confused about why I am starting at day 40, read my post from yesterday.

My day started a little earlier this morning. The sun streamed into my room with unseasonably bright light and I jumped up rearing to go. It felt like a birthday, or Christmas or any day you wait for and are excited about, and I guess in some way it is. Taking care of myself and managing my health is really the best present I could ever give or receive.

Today has gone surprisingly well. I avoided my early morning coffee craving by taking a brisk walk - replace the behaviour, replace the behaviour (I'm hearing psychologists in my head!) and it seemed to work.

Then there was breakfast, which tasted surprisingly yummy - I didn't know how excited I could get about soaked oat groats - who am I kidding, I had no idea what an oat groat was until last Friday, so I didn't know if it would be worth being excited or not. But they tasted good. One thing I noticed straight away is how soluble our processed diet is and now insoluble raw food is.

I chewed and chewed and chewed... not kidding, breakfast took about 30 minutes and my jaw was slightly numb at the end of it.

But.... I didn't even think of food again until lunch, which is a miracle in itself and even then, I was hardly starving.

Actually, even if I was starving, I'd hardly starve, there's enough meat on this puppy to keep me going for a while, but you know what I mean. As soon as you hear detox, or cleanse, or diet, or change, you imagine you'll be figuring out creative ways to make one grape last a whole morning and by the time you start looking longingly at your toenail clippings and wondering about their protein content, you either start crying or run from the house to the nearest fast food place knowing you've just failed.

However, this time I think I am bound for success. I am however questioning whether I should have called this blog - Chewing my way through 40 days - but I'm not complaining, I'm just pleasantly surprised. I even had enough energy to drag myself off to an afternoon hot yoga class and didn't pass out or throw up the whole way through. So, even though I left the yoga class with the taste of potato chips in my mouth (and I can still taste them, even though I've just eaten an abnormally large amount of salad) I consider that to be two successes in one day.

For now though, I'm taking my energised mind and my tired beaten body off for some bath and book time and we'll see what tomorrow brings.

Oh, and FYI, when I do yoga, I'm wailing, sweating, cursing under my breath and wondering why I took the class and I look nothing like this beautiful photo! (photo by Aaron Neifer)

Life begins....

Tomorrow!

That's the way I'm looking at this. I have chosen to take this challenge, no one has asked me, no one has begged me, it's entirely my choice. I have decided to change my life. I'm sick of being tired, and tired of being sick.

So tomorrow, I am starting the journey of choosing health over sickness, vitality over sluggishness, happiness over depression, joy over sadness and feeling alive over just getting by. I cannot focus on what I have to give up, but on what I have to gain. I cannot feel that I am losing a lifestyle, but that I'm choosing to live.

The world we live in is so afraid of change. We cling to what we know, even when it doesn't serve us and we seem to believe that what we choose is good enough instead of demanding the best. My intention is to change my beliefs over the next 40 days. I am going to embrace the change, rise to the challenge, love the unknown - okay, okay, so I'm talking myself into some of this right now. But isn't that where you have to start, by talking yourself into it and believing you can do it?

So, this is what I'm going to do. In order to help myself embrace these changes, I'm not going to start on day 1 tomorrow. Instead, I'm going to start on day 40 and count backwards, working my way to day 1. It might be psychological, but that way it feels like I'm rolling downhill to a nice big 1st place, rather than climbing a mountain up to 40. It also means that my end will also be my beginning, the last day will be number 1 - the first day of the rest of my life.

Confused? I may be too, but I think I know where I'm going, so hang in there, stick with me and help me to roll down that hill easily and effortlessly.

Adieu carbs, coffee and cheese

This is the final goodbye to all of the above. Monday is the big day - the day to go raw, the day it all begins. At least, that's the way I'm looking at it. So while this past week has been about saying goobye to the comfort foods I have come to love, it's also been about preparing to say hello to the new lifestyle I'll be embracing this week.

During this farwell, it got me thinking about the associations we have with certain foods. I wonder how many people in a position to choose their last meal would say 'I'd love some fresh spinach with strawberries and a balsamic dressing please'. I am not one of those people just yet. Instead, I would be choosing coffee, carbs and cheese, pretty much in any shape or form, whether it's soft goats cheese crumbled on bruschetta, or gooey mozarella dripping down a pizza, a toasted cheese sandwich or simply a slice of good rustic Italian bread - mmmmm - that would be my choice.

But today, I am crying over my coffee. Although I've weaned myself down to one mug a day, I've realised this week, it's not necessarily about the coffee. It's about the ritual involved with it.... It begins with grinding fresh beans to release that deep aroma, the smell of richness as it wafts upstairs first thing in the morning, and seeps into my nostrils while my senses are still waking up, slipping back into bed with a book when the house is quiet for a quick respite before the day begins, a snatched moment with no disruptions or demands, just the sweet, creamy depths of my coffee and me.

Adieu coffee, adieu!

Farewell Mac and Cheese

You see, there I go lying again - I told you I needed this blog so I would be accountable! What the title should have read is 'Farewell Mac and THREE Cheeses'. Yes, I am definitely of the opinion that while one is good three is better!

Actually I have never been a huge mac 'n cheese fan. Of course as a child mom made it and I enjoyed it, but then it sort of petered out in the family and I don't ever remember it being the comfort food I would turn too when life got tough.

Sometime ago, I remember my dad being very excited. He had invited me over for dinner and said he had discovered a no-fat mac 'n cheese that was out of this world, I could hear him kissing his fingers while we talked, he was so proud. In my head, the whispering voice said ' low fat, what's the point?', but it was my dad how could I resist?

Of course I raced over to the house picking up some flowers en route for mom and sat down expectantly awaiting this genius of cousine - comfort food that was healthy.

What I got on my plate was a pile of whole wheat macaroni, a few melted stringy bits of cheese and a big slice of grilled tomato on top - it was simply, well, horrendously aweful. My dad looked at me, his eyes sparkling, macaroni shoved into his cheeks chomping away furiously. 'Great, isn't it? And it's almost no calories.' he said with his mouth full.

Oh boy, that was the time I realised I wanted more from a meal. I shoved all of mine under a lettuce leaf and went to make some toast.

Needless to say, whenever mom and dad invite me for mac 'n cheese, I seem to have a prior engagement!

Then a few years ago, I discovered this Martha Stewart mac 'n 3 cheeses from Everyday Food http://www.marthastewart.com/recipe/macaroni-and-three-cheeses now we are talking people. This is comfort food at its finest. This is the velvet cheese sauce you could drown every one of lifes hardships in and come out feeling like you have won. This is the food you cosy up to on a cold night when your date stood you up and you've run out of ice cream. This is the food that makes you go weak at the knees for its simple perfection.

So, last night was my farewell to this dish I have come to know and to love. By next week, I will no doubt be drowning out lifes curve balls with celery and a shot of wheatgrass - doesn't quite have the same ring to it as mac 'n 3 cheeses does it?

By the way, a little disclaimer here. I do actually eat salad and veggies with my food, but as I'm about to eat RAW FOOD for 40 DAYS, I'm not going to bore you with the joys of a romaine lettuce, or the delicate curve of a vine ripened tomato. No, there is plenty of time for that. For now, it's about delicious food full of cheese and goo and yumminess.

What am I doing?

I'm writing this blog because this is a big week for me. Next week I start a 40 day raw food detox plan.
I know, 40 DAYS of RAW FOOD only - help!
That's what I'm thinking. So, I figured this was one way of helping me to stay true to myself, of forcing me to tow the line, of being accountable and not cheating. I hate that word accountable, who ever included it in our lexicon?

Anyway, I'd love to say that I decided to do this because it was my birthday last week and I wanted to turn over a new leaf. But, that would mean I've started off by lying already, by NOT being accountable.
No, I started looking into a raw food way of eating in October of last year. Yes, you read it correctly - October. Who says I don't move fast when I make a decision?
And quite frankly, it scared the living daylights out of me. It was like those horror movies you see where you are too scared to watch, but you really want to, so you semi close your eyes and continue watching through a thick fringe of lashes. Yup, that was me; I read a little and slammed the book shut. Then I looked up a website and immediately deleted my browsing history - as if that would make sure I couldn't find it again. But slowly it intrigued me more and slowly I could keep the book open for longer and eventually I decided to hold my breath, throw caution to the wind and jump off the bridge so to speak - after all, it is only food!

But that's another whole story. We'll get to the 'only food' part of it and my reasons for doing this in a different post. For now, my week is dedicated to goodbyes.

Last night it was goodbye Chicken Parmigiana, specifically Pioneer Woman's Chicken Parmigiana http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2009/10/chicken-parmigiana/ if you haven't seen her website or used her recipes, now's your chance. Do it, do it for me.

You see, in a strange warped way, I've decided to make all the food I have come to enjoy this final week. Sort of an homage to a life I am leaving. A last goodbye, a final farewell, so that when I embrace this new life of raw food I know I have finished the circuit, tied all my loose ends and wept the salty tears that are a prerequisite when leaving the known for the unknown.

Hmm, that sounded good didn't it? But maybe it's not really an homage. Maybe it's just a desperate last ditch attempt to cling to starch and bread and fat - the three lovers that are so destructive to my life, yet whose calls I return, whose love notes I keep wrapped in scented cloth and tied with velvet ribbons to be re-read in solitary moments. The lovers that no matter how badly they treat me I return to for more.

Ha, did I say 'it's only food' earlier? Clearly it's more than that, but for now...

Goodbye Chicken Parmigiana. Last night I made you with turkey breast instead, flattened to within an inch of its life and as buttery and soft as tissue paper.
Goodbye Parmigiano Reggiano. You, who curl around my grater and leave gentle tendrils of gold scattered across my counter.
Goodbye olive oil sizzling in the pan. You encourage my garlic to soften leaving the scent of Italy and memories and a hint of good things to come thick in the air.
Goodbye whole wheat pasta burdened by chunky tomato sauce drenching bay leaves and made by my own hand.

Goodbye!